You are my Drug! Am addicted to You! By "John"

Nobody would call it as a bachelor’s room.

Well set, Organized and Clean. A kitchen full of traces with continuous activity.

Something fishy with the hall alone. Books spread (well thrown) all over the floor. An injured remote was lying pathetically exposing its naked circuit in one corner. And a mobile with scratches enough to have been made by a wolverine. Oh finally a guy on a chair staring at all these.

The serene ringtone from the scratched mobile broke the monotonous silence.

Iniyan calling...............

Selvin bounced at once to grab it and started his breathless utterances

“Where have you gone? Please come back. Am sorry for everything. This one time. Please.”

No reply from the other end.

“Iniyan. Reply something. Iniyan.....”

Now Selvin could hear some Tamizh curse words from the backdrop. Some ruffian seems to be verbally abusing Iniyan.

“Iniyan. What's happening? Talk to me.”

“Caught by the Traffic Police. Porur signal.” That's all Iniyan could talk. Everyone have had their lump in throat moment when you wish to talk but your vocal cords remain paralyzed; you wish to cry but all you could do is to just swallow your saliva.

“Please don't quarrel with them. Please. I will reach there within 20 minutes. Please.”

Selvin and Iniyan have seen each other about their best and worst in the past 3 years. Most people scorned the idea of these two living together. They are always in extremes. The room looks organized because of Iniyan but it also takes a Kurukshetra look when he gets frustrated or angry. Selvin is always on the other extreme. But the secret of any successful relationship operates on the basic principle of magnetism: “Opposites attract each other”.

Selvin rushed to the main road and waved hand at every passing auto, like a mad men just out of asylum. Finally one autowala managed to diagnose him as just a frantic individual and allowed him to hop on.

“Make it fast. Porur signal.”

Traumas always have the habit of bringing all unpleasant flashbacks at a fraction of second.

For the past one week or so no sex. Not even a single moment of romance. When you are staying together for more than a year, you get bored of the routine and go for a period of starvation. But the underlying cause matters most.

Previous Sunday Selvin received a call from his father.

“When will you be home?”

“Don't worry appa. I will be there on this Wednesday. I have already fixed up an appointment with the Cardiologist in PSG. I will take you.”

“Am not worried about my heart. What have you decided about your marriage?”

“Give me another year pa. I want to settle in another better job.”

“You are a Government employee. Doesn't matter if you are Group B or Group A. The girl's family is ready. What do you say?”

“Am not interested pa.”

“So the rumors about you are true, right?"

The rumor about a fishy relationship between Selvin and Iniyan was started by Selvin's nephew, Manimaran following his one day visit to their room.

“Pa. Manimaran is a fool. He was angry at me for not recommending him strongly for the job in my friend's company.”

“You want to put the blame on him son. But can you answer this? Why are you still financially supporting Iniyan?”

“He is my friend.”

“How do you know him? From School? College? Workplace? How?”

“We were roommates. He lost his job in between. He is really a good friend. Don’t you know how far he has taken care of me when I got admitted with Typhoid?”

“Doesn’t mean that you have to be too close with him. I have friends too. More than what you have. But family is different. You are 28 now. Get married or don’t speak with me anymore.”

Selvin have faced this many a times but never with such a vigor. There is no escape this time. His job got confirmed in State Secretariat. His father had a massive heart attack last year. His sister got married. Now the entire focus is on Selvin.

Iniyan returned all sweaty from the gym. Iniyan is a typical Madurai boy. 25. With the perfect look of a ruffian, his only dream now is to become a Sub-Inspector. One year back, lost his job in a private firm at Sholinganallur for slapping his supervisor. Iniyan lost his parents at a much younger age. Brought up by his uncle and abused by his cousin brother, he has a dark flashback I dare not explain any further.

“Why is my darling so upset?” Iniyan bent forward to give Selvin a hot and sweaty kiss in his lips.

Selvin, who is fully obsessed with his father's emotional torture, did not mind him. Iniyan understood that something is wrong and moved away without waiting for his answer.

“Am gonna take bath.” Iniyan stood with only a towel exposing his chiseled body. Nothing seemed to distract Selvin.

“Don't create a scene. Just tell what %*&%*&^ thing is going on?”

Selvin have heard Iniyan using swear words at least a million times in the past. He never minded about it. Sometimes it even turned him on. We all have that one person in life who makes even swear and vulgar language sound beautiful to our eyes. Iniyan is one such but not now for Selvin.

“Yes. I am a %&*%(^. Happy?” Selvin retorted fiercely and ran upstairs.

Iniyan was left bewildered. But being a rough and a macho guy he is, he didn’t chase Selvin who ran blasting with tears. Iniyan took a bath. Swept the room and arranged all things in order and started watching TV. Selvin returned with bloodshot eyes only to find Iniyan relaxing in his sleeveless and shorts.

“Are you a human?” Selvin shouted on top of his voice.

Iniyan got up and gave him a tight hug. Selvin struggled hard to release himself. Iniyan being a perfect countryman ended up victorious.

Still hugging Selvin, Iniyan looked into his eyes and asked, “I love you. If you think that I am your partner, you would have told me your problem.”

Selvin burst into tears again. To see a man crying is one of the most disgusting things for Iniyan who tried hard in several instances to make Selvin understand this.

“You don’t care about me at all.” Selvin replied with sunken eyes.

“What more shall I do?”

Selvin remained silent. Iniyan released Selvin from his tight hug. He always has his limits.

“Do you want me to lick your feet and sit as a servant?”

“Yuck. I never said so.” Selvin, who now understood that Iniyan lost his temper, tried to hug him.

Iniyan slapped away Selvin’s hands and continued.

“Am a burden to you. That’s why, I wanted to join for a part-time job. You compelled me and said that you want to see me as a Sub Inspector and nothing less. I should not have listened to you.”

“No. This is not about money or anything else. My father...”

“Your father compels you to marry a girl. And you want to marry too.”

“Don't be a fool. I don't have any such ideas. Am just thinking about convincing him.”

“So..... When will you convince? When? You are telling this for quite a long time. Is it because of that %*$^%& Manimaran?”

“My father has heart complaint. I can’t tell things that could disappoint or shock him.”

“Tell a lie. Tell that you are impotent. Tell ...”

Selvin got angry at this point.

“This is family. I can’t risk my father’s life. My sister’s marriage life will get affected. You can’t understand all these.”

“Yes. I can’t. Am an orphan. So...”

“I didn't tell that you are an orphan.”

“Then what is the meaning of the thing you just said. Your family is important. I agree. Then, why did you come in my life. Why did you show me love? I was happy when I was a playboy. No emotional tortures. I got what I wanted. Why did you bring me out of it? Why did you ask me to marry you? I kept myself closed and resistant to all emotions. Why did you look into my eyes and said ‘I love you’? Why did you remind me of my mother whenever you took care of me?”

These whys could answer their three years relationship but Selvin could find no answer for any of these.

Selvin controlled his tears and took Iniyan’s hands into his and grasped it tightly. Looking into his eyes he replied, “Because I love you and I always will.”

That ended the night. But it didn’t change anything.

Iniyan stopped cooking for one week. That is one thing Selvin enjoyed. Iniyan used to cook and Selvin used to assist him by chopping vegetables and cleansing utensils. If the word ‘division of labor’ applies to Gay life then they are the perfect example for that.  Selvin would mop the floor once a week after the dusting and sweeping works are done by Iniyan. The Pulsar standing proudly in front of their house was also brought on an equal share when Iniyan was also in job. That is what ‘better-half’ is all about. On occasions like this, it turns a bitter too.

On Tuesday, Selvin left to Coimbatore to take his father to the Hospital. Iniyan dropped him in CMBT and without telling anything left that place. He had paranoia that Selvin’s family would definitely separate them.

On Thursday, Selvin returned back to Chennai. Usually Iniyan goes and picks him up from the bus stand. Selvin stood disappointed for few minutes and then made a call to Iniyan.

“The number you are trying to reach is currently switched off.”

Selvin took an auto and reached the room. Room was locked from inside. But no answer for the repeated banging. After 5 minutes, Iniyan opened the door. His eyes and demeanor along with the few bottles lying inside conveyed the rest of the story to Selvin. He didn’t want to start a fight. Iniyan maintained his silence too.

On Friday, Selvin broke his silence and asked Iniyan, “Have you prepared well for the exam?”

Iniyan’s written exam for the post of SI is on the next day. Engrossed in his studies he gave a quick glance towards Selvin and just nodded his head with a ‘Hmmm...’

Iniyan is just a brawn with few brains. Selvin is assured of his selection in the physicals but the written exam doubt haunted Selvin more than Iniyan. Last year, he missed it. What followed was a rigorous coaching for one year by Selvin who entered government service with ease. He made sure that Iniyan gets all the study material he needs and also gave him a daily coaching.

“Who is called frontier Gandhi?”

“Nelson Mandela?”

“Idiot. He is black Gandhi. Dumb fellow. Grow some brains instead of these useless muscles.”

“Oh! So my muscles are useless to you? Fine. Don't touch it anymore.”

“Ok. I won't touch. I'll bite it instead.” Selvin gave a childish smile. “Now. Get back to business. Who is called Frontier Gandhi?”

“Am weak in History. Ask current affairs.”

“What? You want me to ask who is called ‘Black MGR’?”

“Hey. Stop making fun of my leader. He will be our CM in 2016.”

“In 2060? Will he survive till then?”

At this, Iniyan bounced on Selvin and pushed him to bed. The rest is only for the four walls to see and decide.

Moments of pure and innocent fun. Selvin longed for it to happen again. The wall is growing each day. Selvin’s nights grew more miserable. As usual the macho Iniyan showed a neutral reaction in his face.

ON THE DAY OF EXAM...

Selvin visited the small Ganapathi temple in his street corner and offered prayers in the early morning. He ran towards the room to find Iniyan all dressed up. Iniyan could take away the breath of any boy for a second. With his brawny and chiseled looks, he was once the darling of masses before Selvin took the monopoly of owning him.

Selvin took a pinch of viboodhi in his fingers and kept it in Iniyan's forehead. “All the best!”

With a rough “Thank you” Iniyan rushed downstairs to start the bike. After several kicks, he realized that the tank is fully dry. Hesitating to ask Selvin for money, he delayed it for too long.

Selvin who was looking all these from the top rushed down. Without asking anything, he forcibly thrust five hundred rupee notes in Iniyan’s pocket.

Iniyan took out the money and gave back Rs. 400/- to Selvin.

“100 is enough. Exam center is nearby. I will go in share auto.”

Selvin was crushed by his reply. Thinking of his exams Selvin controlled his emotions and said “Ok” as he took back the Rs. 400/-.

SUNDAY... 6 AM.

A mild knock at the door

Selvin rushed to open. Iniyan who is still dressed up in Saturday’s attire stood with his heads down. Without speaking a word, he entered the room and removed his dress. Selvin could no longer bear this drama.

“What are you thinking? I was calling you ever since your exam got over by 1 PM. Yesterday  till 5, you didn't attend. Thereafter, Switched off. I came to your exam center in Porur and searched for you. I looked for you like a mad man all the way. Checked in Ramachandra and Saveetha hospitals if anyone got admitted. Thought of going to Police Station today."

Iniyan pretended not to have heard anything. Selvin grabbed his rough hands and started to cry.

“Please don’t hurt me. I can’t bear. Every night, I wanna hug you and sleep. Please don’t leave me.”

Iniyan being the hard brat, he didn't show even a slight change in his face. Growing as an orphan carries the risk of losing sensitivity in one’s lacrimals sometimes. Selvin, whose eyes are clouded and brimming with despair failed to notice the slight movement in the throat of Iniyan. Even the brat has to swallow the lump in his throat.

“Sorry.”, Iniyan gave a rugged reply.

“What were you doing last night? Where did you go after the exams were over?”

Without giving him a second glance, Iniyan fell on the bed and started sleeping like a comatose patient. Selvin utilized this chance to spy Iniyan's mobile.

Call logs:

13:01 Heart

till 17:15 Heart

More than a 100 missed calls from heart.....

No records thereafter. Selvin felt relieved. The mobile gave a beep after 5 minutes

1 New message

From: Kathiravan

Selvin opened it with trembling

‘Super da mama. Tonight again by 8. Mano will join too.’

Selvin dropped the mobile.

Iniyan woke up by only 5 PM. Selvin was sitting in the veranda watching TV. Iniyan took up a bath and got ready as if he is about to attend some party.

Selvin dared not to ask any further questions. Iniyan packed his travel bag and entered the veranda.

“Am going to stay in my friend’s room hereafter.”

Selvin continued to watch the TV.

“I won’t disturb you anymore.”

Not minding Iniyan, Selvin got busy in changing the channels.

Losing his temper, Iniyan snatched the remote and threw it on the wall. Selvin gave a fierce look. He was no longer crying. Iniyan did not expect that. Looking down, he found his handset, battery and back cover lying apart. Iniyan assembled back his mobile patiently and checked the message that infuriated Selvin.

“Once a prostitute. Always a prostitute.”

Iniyan could not believe his ears. He had never heard Selvin use such words. His anger was totally overcome by surprise.

“You got bored with me na? You need more men. New bodies. New a$$ h()!*$. Drunken sex. Group of bastards... all at a time. Yeah. I’m a single person. I could not satisfy you. Am not good looking like your friends. Am not the right match for you. Am just a jerk.... an ugly... ...” Selvin continued.

At this Iniyan gave a sharp slap on Selvin’s pink cheeks and mapped it with reddish stripes.

“One more word... and I will kill you...”

“Kill me. Kill meeeeeeeeee............ I don’t wanna live such a miserable life with a prostitute who also treats me like a pros...”

Another slap landed on the same spot.

“Get out of my house” Selvin shouted on top of his voice.

Before moving out of the house, Iniyan took the bike keys in his hand.

“I too paid for it. Will return all the money you have spent for me soon. I got a job.”

AND NOW... 08:45 PM.

The auto got struck in the traffic jam even before reaching Porur signal. Selvin paid for the auto and got down. He know for sure that a block near Porur would normally take half an hour to clear. With overflowing thoughts, Selvin rushed through the traffic stagnation and ran towards the main signal.

Month end and traffic Police could be the best love story ever told. Three policeman standing with 15 bikes and a bunch of youngsters. Selvin made a frantic search for Iniyan.

Iniyan is probably the only one without anyone nearby. Selvin still gasping for breath gave the bike documents to Iniyan. Police Constable came near them.

“Are you his friend?” the PC asked in a threatening voice.

Without thinking for a second, Selvin replied “My uncle’s son.”

Iniyan looked up Selvin with surprise. ‘How could he? Is he not angry? I slapped him just 2 hours before. Even the traces have not gone.’ Iniyan's thoughts pricked him from all possible directions.

“Teach him some manners. Inspector is really furious at his conduct.” constable intervened his thoughts.

Its not so hard for Selvin to guess what might have happened. All of us might have seen this thing in Chennai. The war of words and clash between Chennai Traffic Police and youngsters from southern parts of Tamil Nadu (especially Madurai, Tirunelveli, Nagercoil) is always full of volcanic explosions. Iniyan with the looks of a ruffian and a rugged voice is a perfect match to become a Police officer. But as of now being the unemployed youth, his looks and demeanor have always earned him the wrath of many.

“I apologize for him. Please. This one time.”

By then, the Inspector arrived at the scene.

“This $%^*&(*^... What the #$%^ does he think about himself? Are you a rowdy? You rascal...” and made a move as if he’s about to slap Iniyan. At this point, Selvin entered between them.

“Sir please. He's having high fever. Not in his senses. I apologize for him. Please sir. Let him go. Please.”

Selvin's words could crush even the hardest of rocks. That’s how he broke into the life of Iniyan who was considered by many as a heartless brat.

“Fine. Take him away. If he still stands here and speaks something, I swear I will book him under non - bailable section.”

Iniyan tried to start the bike. Misfortune never comes alone. He could not start it even after ten kicks. Selvin, who was standing calmly near him, touched his nerve throbbing forearm in clutch.

“Mechanic shop is one km away. We can pull the bike.” Selvin stated in a calmer tone.

As they walked towards the inner streets of Porur, the night grew darker by every second. Only few people crossed them in between.

“I said no.” Selvin confessed.

Iniyan stopped pulling the bike and gave him a bewildered look.

“I said no to the marriage.” Selvin continued. “They tricked me to come over there. My father had his checkup last week itself. They called me to fix the date for engagement. The girl’s family also came to my house.”

Iniyan grew more restless now. “Then...”

“I said I am not interested in marriage. My mom started to cry. My father shouted at me. Even my brother-in-law asked some vulgar questions. The girl’s family left the place. Then I declared that I am impotent.”

Iniyan could not believe his ears. “Are you mad? I just suggested that lie out of anger. I did not seriously want you to say such a thing to your family.”

“Anyway. It is better than telling them that I am a gay. See Iniyan. Parents can bear the pain that their son is impotent. This lie is not going to affect my sister’s life. To the maximum people will refer to me as an impotent one. But imagine if I declare to them that I am a gay. My parents will think that it is something like a transgender thing. My sister’s in-laws and even her husband would use this word to torment her. Our people can understand the word 'impotent' better than the ‘G’ - word." Selvin laughed aloud to conceal the bitterness of things

“Did they believe it?”

“They tried to take me to a doctor. I showed them the test results from a Chennai lab which technically declared that I am impotent.”

“What? But how? You are not...”

“Yes. I am not impotent. I paid up that lab technician to prepare a fake report before going to Coimbatore.”

The drowsy clouds started a heavy downpour. Iniyan and Selvin ran towards the bus stop after parking their bike.

Iniyan felt guilty to the core. How could he not? He ill-treated Selvin a lot. Thinking that Selvin would finally become a bisexual, he even went back to his old life. Friends with benefits. Drunken Sex. He was even planning for a group affair that night.

There was hardly one or two people in that bus stop along with them. Iniyan grasped Selvin’s hands tightly.

“Am sorry.”

For the first time, Selvin could feel that sorry to be genuine. What shocked him more were the few drops of tears that stagnated in Iniyan’s eyes.

“Hey idiot. I never wish to see you man crying.” Not minding that it was a public place Selvin wiped off those few drops before they could even cross his eyelashes.

Iniyan held his hand stained with his tears and kissed it softly.

“Are you not angry at me? Last night... Kathiravan...”

“I don’t want to hear any of it. You are my partner. I will fight for you no matter what happens. Am sorry for what I have said. It is our house. Please come back.”
 (The END)...